Bad v. Good Apology
Article by Maynard Brusman, November 4, 2020Bad v. Good Apology
When we hear an apology, we know if it’s bad or good. But offering an apology is a different experience.
A bad apology justifies or explains away our error. It paints a picture of why we did what we did or why we should be forgiven. It might sound like: “I didn’t mean to ___, rather, I was only attempting to___”, or “This only happened because I thought ___, please understand where I’m coming from.”
Of course, trying to explain our actions is natural. But a bad apology rationalizes our error, even for the leader mistake.
A good apology has four elements:
- Focuses on the other person(s) and how they have been affected by your mistake. It doesn’t assume you know how they feel or what they need, rather, it asks. When leaders truly listen—and do not argue—they open the door to making real amends.
- Takes responsibility. It doesn’t distribute, dilute, or delegate responsibility. It acknowledges an error and remorse. A good apology sounds like: “I am sorry. I was wrong.”
- Makes amends. After listening and understanding how other(s) were impacted, it addresses what can, is, and will be done to correct the mistake.
- Builds trust. After reflection and identification of lessons learned, it communicates what you will do differently in the future.
Meaningful mistakes require reflection, without obsession. Understand how you contributed to the mistake without getting hung up on “woulda, coulda, shoulda.” This type of thinking is not uncommon when the stakes are really high and we take on full responsibility for the error (rightfully or not). If this happens to you, a qualified coach can help you break the cycle of rumination and get back on track with productive self-reflection.
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & EQ Executive Coach and Mindful Leadership Consultant
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Professional Certified Coach (PCC), International Coach Federation
Board Certified Coach (BCC)
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!
I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.
Our services:
- Executive Coaching
- Mindful Leadership
- Neuroscience – Conversational Intelligence (CI-Q)
- Attorney and Accountant Coaching
- Emotional Intelligence & Mindful Leadership Workshops
Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence
For more information, please go to http://www.workingresources.com, write to mbrusman@workingresources.com, or call 415-546-1252
Tags: apologies, emotional intelligence, executive coaching, leadership development, making mistakes, mindful leadership