Emotionally Intelligent Leaders Lead with LoveArticle by Maynard Brusman, April 17, 2022
Lead with Love
As a business leader, how do you lead with love? How is love practiced in your organization?
Given the volatility of 2021, I’ve been exploring this facet of leadership. Tension and anger in the workplace is on the rise. Some HR researchers anticipate this will continue throughout 2022.
In a recent article published by Harvard Business Review (January 2022), eleven current trends foster ongoing workplace volatility. Some of the top issues leaders and managers will face include:
- Fairness and equity
- Vaccine mandates and testing
- Shorter work week
- Employee turnover
- Permanent shift to remote technology/tools
- Permanent hybrid work model
- Wellness tactics, technologies, and metrics
- The need for a Chief Purpose Officer (CPO)
- Manager-employee interpersonal relationships
There is a growing urgency to strengthen manager-employee interpersonal relationships, and for some organizations, a shift or addition of a CPO. You see, at a minimum, the volatility we are experiencing creates stress for individuals, poor working relationships, and decreased productivity. Left unchecked, psychological abuse, violence, and ruin ensue. Great leaders can manage and even avoid these worst-case scenarios by leading with love.
Our Need for Love
All humans need love: we need to be loved and nurtured, and we need to express love. It’s one of our most fundamental needs. And it’s no surprise that this need carries into the workplace. For many, having healthy business and professional relationships is a top goal. That’s why they practice love in the workplace.
Leading with love is doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right spirit (motivation). This type of love embodies courageousness, discernment, justice, and humility—it’s not about our natural preferences. Leaders who practice this type of love know that expressing love, empathy, and compassion is a mutually beneficial endeavor.
Even the smallest act of kindness can help meet our need for love. According to researchers, committing kindness over a seven-day period increases our sense of happiness. And, it matters not if it is offered to strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, or close friends—all have an equally positive effect.
Leadership, Love, and Blind Spots
When it comes to leadership and love, even the best leaders have blind spots. Generally speaking, this is a good thing: it can even a playing field. However, as Steven Snyder wrote in Leadership and the Art of Struggle, “Blind spots are the product of an overactive automatic mind and an underactive reflective mind.” This can be especially dangerous for leaders.
In Thinking Fast and Slow, psychologist and economist Daniel Kahneman describes how our fast, automatic mind reaches conclusions (re: judgments) quickly, typically prematurely, and frequently incorrectly; but our slow, reflective mind challenges assumptions, generates alternatives, and objectively evaluates and analyzes them.
Fast thinking happens frequently. And it’s understandable: slow thinking requires a lot of energy. Unfortunately, the alternative fast thinking does not address leadership blind spots, especially when it comes to self-perception.
You see, most of us have a blind spot for our good qualities and a magnifying glass for our flaws. Whether we recognize it or not, this can do a lot of damage to our confidence, happiness, and ability to love others. When we let our self-criticism go unchallenged, it not only causes more harm and suffering, it hurts those around us.
The more we deny these blind spots, the more miserable we become. This distorted image is not the truth; rather, it reinforces the inner dialogue that can keep us stuck. Instead, we can change the stories we tell ourselves that result from habitual fast thinking.
First, take a deep breath to slow your pace and clear your mind. Look at the whole picture. Instead of beating yourself up, think about how you would feel if your best friend had a similar flaw, made the same choice, or acted in a similar manner. From this perspective, it probably doesn’t look so bad, or whatever negative label you put on it.
Now, give yourself a break. Think back to something you recently did that was loving and kind. Allow yourself to linger in that memory to rebalance your feelings.
Then, practice forgiveness. One helpful technique is a loving-kindness meditation. Here is a very simple, basic meditation to start:
- May I be happy
- May I be well
- May I be safe
- May I be peaceful and at ease
The way we treat ourselves matters more than we realize. Self-compassion empowers us to work through different moments of life with more resilience and grace.
Extend Love at Work
The loving-kindness meditation published on Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley is a helpful way to extend love at work. This meditation was created by Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research Education, who define compassionate love as:
“…An attitude toward other(s), either close others or strangers or all of humanity; containing feelings, cognitions, and behaviors that are focused on caring, concern, tenderness, and an orientation toward supporting, helping, and understanding the other(s), particularly when the other(s) is (are) perceived to be suffering or in need.” (Sprecher & Fehr, 2005)
The Platinum Rule
People are starving for connection and hope amidst all of the uncertainty and fear we experienced over the past two years.
In light of these issues, it’s crucial for leadership to offer love using what anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher describes as, The Platinum Rule: treat others not as you want to be treated (The Golden Rule), but as they want to be treated.
Ask, listen, confirm, offer, and if agreed, act.
Love What You Do at Work
According to a recently published article “Managing a Polarized Workforce,” (Harvard Business Review, March-April 2022), “conflict is an inescapable part of work life for employees at all levels.” Their recent survey of US companies reveals that 89% of respondents report experiencing conflict at work and “spend about 3.5 hours a week, on average, dealing with it.”
Given this environment, especially for those who do not thrive in conflict, how are we able to love what we do at work? It boils down to identifying that which is truly meaningful.
Language is powerful. It doesn’t merely describe, it shapes reality. Language becomes the filter through which we perceive the world.
When we talk about work that is truly meaningful, we are talking about the fundamental and essential human need of purpose. Many leaders have broadened their vocabulary to include words such as, “community, meaning, service, contribution, joy, passion, vocation, and soul,” knowing they are powerful, meaningful, and engaging. They understand that who you are and what you stand for are as important as what you do and sell.
Great leaders and managers tap into what is truly meaningful by daily asking (and answering) three questions.
Daily Engagement Questions
- What ignites my passion in today’s work? Reclaim your resources—energy, time, and attention—from the urgent to the meaningful.
- How can I bring true value to this moment? Disengage from emotional entanglements and take constructive action.
- What would I like my legacy to be in this assignment? Bring more value and meaning to a seemingly onerous task.
Managing (and meeting) external responsibilities while fulfilling internal goals is a process. A bit of self-talk can help reframe a task: “If I do this, then:”
- “I’ll be one step closer to…”
- “I will free up time for…”
- “It will enable us to move forward to…”
Wise leadership teams also frequently ask and collectively answer:
- What brings meaning and community to our company?
- How can this meeting or project be an expression of our highest aims?
- What would be of service right now?
- How can this conversation be more open, clear, or authentic?
- What is our larger responsibility as a team or organization?
Not everyone thrives in the face of conflict. Instead, many prefer to avoid it. But, we know that when managed well, diverse and often opposing ideas can foster progress and innovation. The key is to remain curious, open-minded, and listen well.
On February 2, 2022, the president of CNN Worldwide publicly announced his resignation because he had failed to disclose a personal relationship with a CNN senior executive. According to both parties, the relationship was consensual and had grown from professional, to personal, to intimate. This leads many to ask: when co-workers seek connection and friendship, should love or dating be verboten?
Views and opinions on workplace romance vary greatly depending on the size of the organization, the history (of the organization and the individual), and the perceived risk of intimate alliances. And so do company policies.
According to a 2018 survey conducted by Challenger, Gray & Christmas, and published by Harvard Law School, the number of close personal relationship policies is on the rise. They report that in 2017, more than 50% of respondents have formal, written policies and 78% discourage supervisor-subordinate relationships. However, this does not mean they have anti-fraternization policies. Why?
The Cons of Non-fraternization Policies
- Grey areas: what is a close, personal relationship?
- Enforcement: who monitors compliance?
- Paternalism: should employers have the authority regarding personal matters?
Many of us have heard meet-cute stories that originated in the workplace. This is no surprise, given that 35-40% of those surveyed report having a workplace romance, and 72% would do so again. Surprisingly, 22% dated a supervisor. So would a non-fraternization policy prevent this?
The Pros of Non-fraternization Policies
- Prevent sexual harassment
- Mitigate organization’s legal risk
- Curtail workplace favoritism/toxicity
- Outline accountability processes and consequences
Clearly, there are multiple considerations, including the approach, the scope, and the consequences. While every employee should review their organization’s policies, leaders and managers should review for:
- How does the policy address employee’s concerns?
- What channels are in place to support employees? How can they report/disclose their intentions/status? Who must do this? (The more senior in the relationship?)
- Where are the grey areas? Who is responsible for decisions in these areas?
Truly successful organizations are led with love; what is happening in your organization?
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!
Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence
I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.
Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment
Tags: emotional intelligence, executive coach, executive coaching, lead with love, leadership development, mindful leadership